Top 5 Reasons to Cut Off Your Feet
You probably think your feet “deserve” to cling to your beatific body. You think: “I grew these misshapen things. It’s my duty to lug them around forever.” Is it, though?
These days, many are discovering a whole new life — one without pesky appendages dangling from their virile calves. We surveyed hundreds of thousands of folks who now perambulate foot-free. Here are the top reasons they say amputate is amp-u-great!
1. Your feet are disgusting
Feet are hideous creatures that impugn your human dignity. It’s a little-known fact that toes are the toxin stores of your body from birth through puberty. All the nightmarish trauma of your childhood? It’s stored in the swollen, infected apples that cling to your bottom-most end. Why not pluck them off and toss your past into the compost?
2. You can just glue shoes to your stumps
At some point in humanity’s evolution, feet were an unfortunate necessity. Our species has collectively wasted about 2/3 of the last hundred thousand years protecting and caring for our feet. Happily, those 66 thousand years have finally paid off. Today, shoes are 10000% better than your home-grown feet. Think about it. When was the last time you went anywhere without your shoes?
So why not just cut out the middleman? Tactfully super-gluing your New Balances to your stumps isn’t just trendy — it’s podiatrist recommended!
3. Trolls and ghosts live in the space under your arch
In the middle ages, scholars and artists wrote of a “Hellmouth” — a portal to hell embodied by a monster’s gaping maw. What demons, the medieval tales ask, lurk in the murk betwixt the self and the earth? These texts are, in fact, an allegorical meditation on that accursed architecture blueprinted in our genes: The Arch.
Today, we know the arches of our feet as entryways into a spirit world of sin and lechery. When your defenses are down, tiny trolls and cursed souls can crawl out from your arch and wreak havoc. Every day, unsuspecting sleepers are assaulted in their beds, found the next day folded in on themselves, the ends of their necks seemingly stitched between the ball and heel of one foot. Our childhood nightmares were truer than we knew. The monster wasn’t under our bed, but our feet.
Next time you lay wide-awake in bed at night, eyes wide in terror, don’t tell yourself the ethereal whispers you hear can’t be real. Hack off your feet.
4. People without feet are excellent drivers
Whenever I give a talk about the virtues of foot amputation, there’s always an audience member who shuffles to the microphone during the Q&A to protest: “Ya know, I gotta drive places. I gotta take my kids to school.”
To these people I’ve taken to shouting, “No!” So please don’t make me say it again.
Listen up. Feet are not necessary to pilot vehicles of any kind. In fact, drunk drivers, text-and-drivers, and freeway cosmeticians are overwhelmingly members of the footed community.
Our studies find that the footless aren’t just better drivers than the general population, they also donate more to local charities and report 5% greater life satisfaction on a standardized scale.
Please, don’t make the common mistake casting foot amputation in terms of what you’re giving up. This isn’t Lent, it’s freedom. What’s holding you back is fear.
5. Everyone you know has already amputated their feet
Perhaps the most common misconception about amputation concerns its prevalence, or perceived lack thereof. Many fear foot amputation will condemn them to social isolation, or at best foot-free potlucks attended by carnies and co-op members. Not so!
Last year, foot amputation outpaced neck-shortening as the most common cosmetic surgical procedure. At present, fully 20% of the adult population is living foot-free. That means if you know five people, you probably already know someone without feet.
So don’t fear becoming a podiatric pariah. When you lose your feet you’ll gain membership to a thriving and vibrant community. If you’ve been thinking it may be time to take the next step in your life (figuratively) — why wait? Amputate your feet today.
